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The great Confucius was a 5th Century B.C. Chinese Philosopher who taught us so much about all aspects of moral behavior. Millions of Americans have been introduced to Confucius through courses in philosophy, crytograms and fortune cookies. But, did you know that in the era of Confucius, there lived another great thinker named Confuse-us who philosophized solely about moral behavior in the bathroom. Scholars have said that the two philosophers used to be "best buds" until the one terrible night when Confuse-us accused his host Confucius, of not stocking enough spray for his bathroom. The usually even-tempered Confucius, it is said, angrily threw Confuse-us out of his home and repudiated his teachings 'til his dying days.

Shunned by the great Confucius and ignored by his peers, Confuse-us continued to churn out his eloquent musings on the great bathroom-related issues of his day. Of course, one measure of his greatness is the relevance of his teachings to the issues of 21st century bathroom use! So, while we still rightfully celebrate the much more renowned Confucius, we must turn to his shunned contemporary Confuse-us for our questions on moral behavior in the bathroom. Note how Confuse-us dealt with the following issues with wisdom and gentle humor.

  • Confuse-us say:
    Man must really scrub his fingers
    If brownish smudge on hand still lingers.

  • Confuse-us say:
    If man break wind in public place
    Man's family will bear disgrace.

  • Confuse-us say:
    When man eat a ton of tofu
    Man soon need to pinch a loaf-u.

Again, Confuse-us' philosophy is simple yet brilliant; the man knew how to cut through all the crap and get right to the point. You will find many of Confuse-us' nuggets of wisdom in The Ultimate Book of Bathroom Etiquette and Humor. To order this one-of-a-kind compendium for and about your bathroom, click here.

© 2000 by Larry Glanz. All rights reserved.
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